Re: Spare a thought for Japanese nags

An article on ‘retired husband syndrome’ (RHS) can hardly do justice to men without considering men’s affliction - ‘nagging wife syndrome’ (NWS). In defence of men [“Wives sick of their men in greying Japan” [p.3, 20th Oct 2005], should not Japanese women take it upon themselves to negotiate a better relationship. Isn’t each partner 100% responsible? Gender identities are so entrenched in Japan, even the youth of Japan are hard-pressed to change. Unless women are prepared to negotiate a better deal from partners then they will not be respected and they will continue to feel like victims. Victims rarely take responsibility. Certainly in a culture where men hold all the power there is a requirement from them – but why would women want to externalise responsibility. The capacity of Japanese partners to tolerate suffering is a bit self-righteous and pious. Coming from a mixed relationship, I’ve left my partner 3x in an attempt to negotiate a better deal. Each time I don’t know whether she will humbly concede or grow. Maybe she just hopes I will, or maybe the thought of being ‘emotionally’ independent is just too intimidating. I’d suggest for a culture which does not value achievement or personal efficacy as much as social harmony, there are just too many partners around who aren’t interesting enough to be married to. Unless they are prepared to grow in their relationships, partners will seek outside relationships. I suggest it’s a western stereotype that young Japanese working women are more independent. One need only look at their motive (finding husbands) and (servile) roles to see that little has changed. A women with responsibility in Japanese companies is a rare ‘beast’ indeed – pardon the pun. Lets hope they exhibit some self-control when that self-expression evolves.

My notes from original article - Japan Times
“Wives sick of their men in greying Japan” [page 3, 20th Oct 2005]. The story of Sakura Terakawa, 63yo, being wooed by her husband with love letters & flowers. The relationship however descends into ‘demands for his evening meals and nitpicking over the quality of her housework’. He would go to work at dawn, social after work, returning home late, so her & the children would rarely see each other. She wanted to divorce, as she could not bare having him around the house. Some 60% of Japanese women are regarded as having ‘retired husband syndrome’ (RHS). The problem is they feel compelled to remain dedicated to their husbands. When he left work he was virtually friendless, so stayed around the house, watching TV. He became dictatorial, and she developed rashes & polyps related to the stress. The problem is not men’s attitudes to women, as much as the nature of Japanese relationships. “Though after retirement stress is a common problem in most developed countries” its more prevalent in Japan because of aging. Although more ‘women are entering the workforce in record numbers’ older people have remained far more rigid”. He ‘demanded strict obedience’.
Why is he staying out late? She ‘had developed her own life, her own way of doing things, in the years when he was never home”. She can’t even stand to look at him across the dinner table. Its due to a lack of respect. With 7mil men set to retire in 2007-9. Men cling to the outdated notion of ‘wives as servile attendants’ leaving many elderly women to view their longevity as more of a curse than a blessing”. Japanese men are not accustomed to doing anything. He joined a support group “Men in the Kitchen”. For men, is it about respect of an intellectual nature, or being used?